My dad says, “no way” to help

Dear Doris,

My dad is 89 and has developed physical and cognitive limitations. I know he needs help with tasks around the house, but more importantly, I feel he could use some assistance with showering and managing his medications. I help as much as I am able and have also suggested hiring someone to spend a few hours a week helping in those areas. He refuses. What can I do to convince him to allow someone to help? 

Gloria R.

Dear Gloria,

Let me tell you about my mom. She was just a bit younger than your dad when I needed to start really providing care for her. I worked full-time, and my mom was like your dad – she was resistant to anyone coming in to help. Here is what I learned, and perhaps one or more of these suggestions will help you.

1. Use “friends” as transitions. Early on I hired a company that matched clients with home visitors.

I introduced this person to her as a friend of mine, and I stuck around and talked with her as I would anyone. My mother’s comfort level with her grew quite quickly, and soon, the aide was “just stopping by for a visit” and I was no longer needed in the picture.

2. It’s all in the messaging.

When I first got my mom on Medicaid, and she finally became eligible for Adult Day services, a Medicaid worker came into my home and explained that she was there to talk about her going to “day care.” My mom literally burst into tears and told me adamantly that she would not go anywhere. The messaging was insulting to her. Day care is for children. And then a very wise social worker told me this. Instead of telling her that she was going to an adult day program, I should start calling it “her social club”

This small adjustment sent the message that there were friends to see and things to do. Instead of her having to go somewhere because she needed help, we reframed it as somewhere to go where people were looking forward to seeing her. Amazing! She made friends with a gentleman that was blind and there she found purpose in going every day. When she resisted, I would remind her that he was waiting for her. And it worked!

3. Tell the truth, that they are helping you.

I discovered this when I had to go for an outpatient surgical procedure. And of course, that day, she refused to go to program. In desperation, I told her the truth, she immediately became concerned about my health. I told her that I just needed her to go so that I didn’t have to worry about her. She apologized! Got ready and went to program. I have heard other stories like this one. We forget that the people we care for love us and may be open to cooperating, if they believe it will help us! Never underestimate the power of love.

Don’t forget the NYSCRC Voucher program! You can hire someone that your dad knows. He might be more willing to accept assistance from a family member or friend, and you could use it while you try to find another solution. You can find more about our voucher program here.

If you are looking for an agency, remember that you have the right to interview them, to see what services are offered, how they are delivered, and most importantly what you expect in the way of communication.

I wish you all the best in your caregiving journey. Remember, when you are frustrated, step away and take three long deep breaths. Center yourself, it’s not always easy but my guess is, you’ll never regret the choice to care for him. I know I never have.

Best,

Doris