I’m stuck in the middle
Dear Doris,
I am a caregiver for my mom who is in her 80s and has a number of chronic conditions. I am also a mother of a young daughter. I’m finding it more and more difficult to care for mom and provide all of the care and attention our daughter needs and deserves. I have always heard about the “sandwich generation” and now I’m experiencing it firsthand.
I feel like it is time to consider some home care for mom; I don't know where to start. How do I find the right agency and what are some of the questions I should be asking as I begin the process of bringing in some help?
Thank you,
Francesca R.
Dear Francesca,
Just here in New York State, nearly 25% of our 4 million caregivers are also walking in your shoes, caring for older parents and their children under the age of 18. The official title is "sandwich generation caregiver." Just know that you are not alone in your struggles and exhaustion. Eighty percent of people in your situation feel mentally overloaded from making care decisions, and 72% feel lonely despite constant demands on their time. I will tell you what I tell all kinds of caregivers: First and foremost, you must pay attention to your own well-being. Here is a great article on Caregiving and the Sandwich Generation. In addition, AARP offers a great resource guide for New York caregivers.
As the adage says, "You don't know what you don't know." First, reach out to your local Office for the Aging or NY Connects and tell them your situation and request assistance determining exactly what your mom's needs are and what resources are available to meet those needs. A care manager can guide you through those steps and assist you with accessing those services, the financial implications of your choices, and referrals to professionals who can help. Your mom’s needs will determine the level of care, and quite honestly, the system is complicated, and the requirements are often cumbersome, that's just the reality. You absolutely need a professional to guide you along the ever-changing path. Do that first, and the path will unfold for you.
Thank you for reaching out to NYSCRC. Here at the Coalition, we urge our caregivers to take time for themselves by accessing respite. The care manager can share what options are available in your community, but we offer respite vouchers that will help you to pay friends or family or organizations to stay with your mom, so you can take care of yourself. NYSCRC Respite Vouchers.
It's hard to ask for help, it's often harder for the older adult to accept it, but once you find the resources and the right professionals to walk with you in this journey, everyone will be better off for your efforts.
I wish you the best as you take on this labor of love. Enjoy those children; they grow up so fast! Find joy in the opportunity to care for your mom, you will never regret it, trust me, I know.
Doris