Family Mediation and Conflict Coaching

Caregivers and their families are rarely prepared for the emotional roller coaster and communication challenges of the caregiving experience. Family mediation and individual conflict coaching can help with planning, conflict resolution, and improved management of the interpersonal issues that arise.

Family mediation is a voluntary, confidential process that encourages family participation in the care of an elder loved one. It is a format that can be used for both planning purposes, and if necessary, to assist families with dispute resolution when there are differences. Family mediation is simply a problem focused conversation among family members in the presence of a neutral non-family member, who facilitates the conversation.

  • When a family begins planning early for the needs of an older loved one, the older adult has the opportunity to share his/her values, beliefs, and choices, enabling a care plan to be developed in concert with those values. The older adult directs the decision making process to the extent he/she is able, assuring a sense of control over the process. Early planning is an opportunity for family members to take on responsibilities that will relieve the primary caregiver of additional burden. The loss of independence (rapid or slowly) of an elder loved one impacts all family members. Early acknowledgement of the importance of family support can make this challenging phase of life more manageable for all.

    When families do not have the opportunity to participate in early planning or choose not to, decisions can be made last-minute in response to crisis situations. Family members often disagree on decisions others are making, feel left out, or react in response to earlier unresolved family disagreements. This lack of consensus can negatively impact the older adult and at its worst can lead to family estrangement. The intent of family mediation at this point is to encourage family problem solving by ensuring that all members are heard and problematic communication patterns that can sabotage the meeting are addressed. Like planning, dispute resolution is problem-focused with the family determining the issues they hope to resolve.

Contact us about Family/Elder Mediation or Conflict Coaching

Conflict coaching, like mediation, is both voluntary and confidential. It is an opportunity for an individual who feels ‘stuck’ in a situation to consider different perspectives and different ways of responding to that situation. It may be a primary caregiver who feels overburdened with care responsibilities and feels no one is helping, despite asking repeatedly for help. There are several possible scenerios.

  • It may be an older adult, functioning independently, whose adult children are sure a different living situation would be best for him. It might be a daughter whose mother refuses to hire help (and can easily afford it) because ‘that’s what daughters are supposed to do.

    The coaching process helps an individual reflect on the problem, consider how it came about and the barriers to change, while encouraging them to expand their thinking about possible options.

    Both family mediation and conflict coaching are founded on the belief that the only effective solutions to problems and challenges are the solutions created by the family or the individual.

Musings of a Mediator

As a mediator for families who are facing the many challenges of aging and chronic illness, I rarely have the opportunity to meet with family members until they reach the point where they are fighting with each other, they are angry, and they are unable to resolve their differences on their own.

Most families are unprepared when confronted with a life-altering diagnosis, injury, or frailty. Too many decisions are made in crisis mode and too many differing opinions result in family members at odds with each other. ‘Building the plane while learning to fly’ is not the only option, however. I am convinced that there is a better approach to managing the inevitable stresses that accompany both aging and chronic illness. Most of the time the focus involves the caregiver and the care receiver. I think it is time we brought ‘family’ back into the equation.

Aging and illness impact every family member, but they may show it in different ways. Some may become overprotective, some may distance, and some may appear indifferent. But the behaviors that I see surface over time assure me that no one is indifferent, or immune, to the process of a loved one losing independence and needing care.

I can already see the eyerolls from those of you with ‘difficult’ families. There is no doubt that families can be challenging (frustrating, impossible, clueless, selfish, etc. etc.) There may be longstanding unresolved conflicts or estrangement among family members. These are unlikely to heal without a concerted effort by those involved. However, for many caregiving families - planning, inclusion, and honest communication can improve the experience significantly.

Over the next few months, I will share specific ways that engaging family members in the caregiving journey can mean more support for the care partners, a shared understanding of the disease process, and a more manageable caregiving experience for all. For those of you without immediate family, we will explore the possibilities of developing a social support network.

I hope you will join me as we look at ways to expand the possibilities for added support in the caregiving experience.

Mary M. Berk, LCSW is a Certified Mediator and Family Mediation & Conflict Coaching professional with Lifespan of Greater Rochester. Family Mediation & Conflict Coaching offers services to families facing the many challenges of aging, chronic illness, and loss of independence. We offer a supportive structured approach to resolving differences and fostering collaboration and creative problem solving. The program is voluntary and confidential

 

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